There are just so many things
wrong with that passage. One, Batwoman is not a "classic"
anything. A "classic" superhero would be an original creation,
not just Batman with a (slightly) different gender. Like,
Batwoman isn't anyone.
If she were even remotely interesting, memorable, or popular, I'd
be able to say something like "Hey, Batwoman is great! She's
definitely right up there with all of those other great superheroes,
like Spiderwoman, She-Hulk, and The Green Lanterness." Not that I
have anything against female superheroes, as one may be led to believe
by now, but if you're going to make one, maybe you could make her NOT
just a female reflection of an already-popular male superhero.
Also, it's a new century now, and I like to think that in this
day and age, not every superhero has to have knee-high boots, a cape, and a huge logo on their chest.
This is apparently the "new" Batwoman. Notice all the radical NEWNESS which makes her
completely different from every other superhero. My God, this will turn the comics world on its ear for generations to come!
"We decided to give her a different point of view," explained Dan
DiDio, vice-president and executive editor at DC. "We wanted to make
her a more unique personality than others in the Bat-family. That's one
of the reasons we went in this direction."
I have my doubts about whether or not being a lesbian is going to
necessarily make Batwoman's personality more unique, but I suppose I
can blame the Canadian Press article for not bothering to investigate
any details other than "OMG lesbian WTF!!!" That's all the info I
have to go on. Also... the "Bat-family," eh? Yeah, I think
I remember something
about a Bat-boy... I don't know anything about him, and I'd like
it to stay that way. This is what's wrong with... well, every
character or franchise, really. Once a character becomes popular,
its creators are less concerned with creating new things, or harnessing
what made that character great and using it in new ways, but more
concerned with just making that same character again,
but this time with the suffix "ette" or "Jr." Batman doesn't need
a family. Like, if I were Batman (we're speaking hypothetically,
here, I'm not really Batman), I wouldn't want other people dressing up
as bat things too. I don't care if they're my side-kicks, or my
family, or whatever. I'd want to be the ONLY bat thing in town.
Let them model their persona after some other animal.
Although, I suppose it's that kind of thinking that produced
Robin, one of the most whiny, ineffectual little wieners ever.
So, what do I know.
Wayne, of course, is Batman's true identity - but he has disappeared,
along with Superman and Wonder Woman, leaving Gotham a more dangerous
place.
Wait a minute, now. I don't claim to be an expert on DC comics or
anything -- typically I do not read them at all -- but one thing I do
know is that Superman and Wonder Woman do NOT
live in Gotham City. There are few things I can be sure of in
life, but that is one of them. Regardless, I suppose it's
entirely possible that some marketing schlub at DC thought it would be
a good idea to make a series about what would happen if Superman,
Batman, and Wonder Woman all existed in the same realm. What
would happen, I wonder? I'd wager the answer is "something stupid
and pointless." It probably also involves a love triangle, and
Batman and Superman fight to the death over Wonder Woman for some
reason. That's what happens in these cross-overs, they always
have to fight each other. They're like the ancient Greek gods
that way -- supposed to be all-powerful and benevolent, but every once
in a while they just do something incredibly stupid and childish, like
endorsing Hostess fruit pies... or this... or that.
"This is not just about having a gay character," DiDio said. "We're
trying for overall diversity in the DC universe. We have strong
African-American, Hispanic and Asian characters. We're trying to get a
better cross-section of our readership and the world."
Wow, that covers all the
ethnicities of the world, right there! You know, I sort of have
to applaud them for trying to include characters who aren't just
50s-era white Wonderbread types... but there's a difference
between including them for creative purposes and including them just
for the sake of diversity. I mean, it almost sounds like a
somewhat-veiled return to blaxploitation movies, but extrapolated
(blaxtrapolated?) to other races, cultures, and social groups as well.
But what about "Left-Handed Man" and "Transgendered Person"?
Surely they can have many exciting crime-fighting adventures, or
solve mysteries that miraculously revolve around their single,
self-defining, stereotypical character trait. Left-Handed Man can
fight a supervillain who has a ray-gun which paralyzes people's right
hands. Or Transgendered Person can disguise him/herself as a man
or a woman on the fly, depending on what the mission calls for.
I guess I can't give them too hard a time, though. I suppose they
mean well, at least. Well, maybe... I'm not sure.
It's all very complicated.
The outing of Batwoman created a furor of opinions on websites devoted
to DC Comics. Opinions ranged from outrage to approval.
Others took a
more tongue-in-cheeck approach to the announcement.
"Wouldn't ugly people as heroes be more groundbreaking?" asked
one poster. "You know, 200-pound woman, man with horseshoe hair loss
pattern, people with cold sores, etc.?"
Yes!! They hit the nail right on the head. As good a
"cross-section of our readership and our world" as they think they are
representing, they still won't ever have an ugly or overweight
superhero (unless being ugly/overweight is
their power). Heck, probably not even an average-looking
superhero. What's with all the muscles on those people, anyway?
I know, you can't be super-strong without super-muscles
(according to some medical journal which totally exists), but just look
at Superman. Sure, he's pretty musclebound, but his strength is
ridiculously disproportionate to his size. He can move whole planets whenever he feels like it. You don't need muscles for that, you need some fucking magic.
The muscles are just there for show -- they don't do any of the
real work, and they sure as hell don't make any of the things he does
any more believable.
But then again, where do you draw the line? It's easy to
criticize the myth of the "ideal" human body -- i.e. "what race is the
ideal human?" or "beauty is only skin deep". But on the other
hand, people don't necessarily want to read about cold, hard reality.
People read comic books to escape from reality on some level.
Sure, it has been said that some youth may identify with the teen
angst of Peter Parker, but the dude can climb on walls, lift a car, and
shoot webs out of his arms. Also, the pretty, popular girl he
likes actually likes him back. Not a lot of realism there,
especially for the comics-reading crowd. But, it gives them a
temporary glint of hope that Ms. So-and-So will go to the prom with
them. Yeah, I'm assuming comic fans are almost all males...
let's be realistic here.
Anyway, in keeping with Batwoman's rather shallow reinvention, here are
my predictions for a few "new" versions of some popular superheroes...
Superman: No longer the
musclebound captain of the football team, he instead has taken after
the actor, Christopher Reeve, who played him -- and is paralyzed
for the rest of his life. This harsh fact forces him to use his
head to solve his problems, rather than his usual plan of turning on
the "God Mode" cheat and letting people shoot at him while he throws a
skyscraper at them. Also, he'll have to rely on others to get his
dirtywork done. They'll only be so cooperative, however, so he
may have to resort to bribes or blackmail, in the name of a greater
good that only he can foresee, and which may never occur.
Batman: The new Batman
suffers from Alzheimers, which makes foiling Gotham's villains even
more difficult than before. Man, does he ever hate the Riddler,
too. Anyways, added to Batman's problems is a crippling
nyctophobia (fear of the dark), so most of his crime-stomping will have
to be done during daylight hours. This just makes things awkward
for him, since Batman has always looked incredibly stupid in the daytime.
During the day, it is difficult for him to have that same element
of surprise and fear that always gave him the advantage in the past.
He'll be forced to capitalize on the villains' other weaknesses
from now on -- like, maybe he can train a bull to charge when it sees a
lot of question marks. Take that, Riddler! Let's see you
clever your way out of this one!
Wolverine: He is now an
overly-polite socialite who prefers a gentlemanly duel over brutish
fisticuffs. No more claws. He can often be found
challenging Sabertooth to a rousing bout of fencing, or perhaps pistols
at dawn. Whatever the case may be, you can be sure Wolverine will
come out on top, tip his hat, and say "Much oblidged, old chap!
Til we meet again!" Oh, and he always -- ALWAYS -- wears a top hat and tuxedo. Even when he goes to bed.
Cyclops: This guy has, like, and millon eyes, but can only shoot lazers from his butt, and... okay, this is going nowhere.
Spiderman: Alright, I'm
really going to try and nail the opposite situation here, for
Spiderman. So... uh... Peter Parker is this incredibly
popular Jock type in high school, right? And there's this girl
Mary-Jane that he sort of likes -- but alas, he cannot ask her out,
because she's really ugly and unpopular, so it would lower his social
standing just to be seen with her. But, one magical day while
he's enjoying a bite of his favorite spider pie, he happens to bite one
that is radioactive.....
...Peter instantly dies, but the spider is reborn, with Peter's
powers!! And now, the spider is as strong as a human being, and
decides to fight crime. Mary-Jane meets the spider and falls in
love with him, but to no avail -- alas, being seen with her would lower
the spider's social standing. So to hell with her, man, the
spider is off to find an arachnid babe to make babies with. So he
weaves this magic carpet and flies off into the rainforests of Brazil,
where he meets this tarantula chick named Rita... yes, this
sounds like the makings of a great love story...
Okay, that's enough of all that. I'm not sure what the point of all this was, but at least it ended well, eh? 
