Description:  A simple can of Coca-Cola, or at least that's what I am assuming it to be.  It's too small to read, so I suppose it could really be some form of curse word and I'd be none the wiser.  Oh, those nefarious teenagers!  Someone aught to give them a stern lecture on proper etiquette.
Proper Usage:  This one is a little complicated, because if you're at the computer and you're taking a sip from your can of coke, you really can't be bothered to actually type out the words "I am drinking my coke," or navigate your mouse to your emoticons menu and select it from the list.  It's best to have this one set up as a hotkey, so all you have to do is press ALT+X or something, and *SHAZZAM!* you've instantly communicated what you're doing, right now, this very second!




Description:  Okay, this one takes a little while to figure out, since it's so badly made.  From what I gather, an insane little green face just explodes for no reason, and there is so much blood that it fills the entire invisible box that he inhabits.  Then, the blood-filled square suddenly becomes much larger, which blows my mind, man!!  I mean, here I was thinking that I was looking at a tiny little .gif image, when suddenly the barriers are broken and I'm treated to an enormous visual feast of epic proportions!  So, the newly re-sized red square (let's call it Neo Blood Cube, Mark II) compresses into a new, ultimate form -- a totally kick-ass devil face, which is curiously shaped like a heart.  My mind is racing just thinking about the deep symbolism conveyed in this work of art!
Proper Usage:  Besides the obvious scenario in which you yourself are exploding into an enormous Neo Blood Cube, Mark II, there are a plethora of other times when this image would come in handy.  When you're listening to or discussing death metal, for instance.  Or, maybe you're chatting with Strong Bad.  I'm sure he'd appreciate seeing this thing.  Also, let's say you just want to spook people.  Print it out onto a sticker, and slap it onto a bookshelf at your local library, or on the back of a seat on the bus beside the illegible graffiti that 12-year-old "Li'l Pranksta" is so proud of.




Description:  A rude little bastard gives the finger with both hands, but can't do both hands at the same time due to a genetic defect.
Proper Usage:  When you want to end a conversation, but can't seem to shut the hell up.  Alternatively, it's a good way to make people want to hit you when you're far away from them.  However, it's kind of a one-use emoticon, since the person you used it on will likely never speak with you again.




Description:  Someone dies a tragic death, and then their hair instantly grows several feet long, straight into the air.
Proper Usage:  This is an educational emoticon, reminding us all that hair still grows after death -- a biological fact supported by old wives in many small, rural villages throughout Europe.  Although not useful in everyday internet chats, painting it on the doors of a barn in an Amish town will cause the entire community to hide in their root cellars for a solid week.




Description:  An utter enigma.  Are they arms, or legs?  Is this little guy slapping his head with his hands, or kicking himself in a yoga-induced rage?  No one can know for certain.
Proper Usage:  "Damn it, I've missed another yoga class!" or "Damn it, I lack a body, but mysteriously I still possess these two appendages!"





Description:  This is either somebody's grandma on Valentine's Day, and she just broke out her heart-framed glasses to celebrate -- or, it's the ugliest yellow frog imaginable.  Either way, I'm not kissing it for a million dollars.
Proper Usage:  When someone likes you a little too much, and you want nothing to do with them, give 'em one of these.  They'll move on, I promise.




Description:  Ugh... disgusting...  it's just hideous.  I almost feel dirty for having my computer download that stupid thing.  I think those are supposed to be super-shiny "anime" style eyes, although they're not done very well.  Also, they really lose their effect against a white background, which is almost certainly where such an emoticon would be used.  Bravo!
Proper Usage:  There really is no proper usage for this one, it must never be unleashed into the internet chatting universe.  And for crap's sake, somebody un-pucker those lips!  I don't like how that thing is looking at me...




Description:  Heeeyyy, it's Irvine, star of Final Fantasy VIII!  Alright, good to see you, man.  Let's see...  he's standing there, good, good...  doing a little gun-twirling trick, very nice, yes....  and now  OH JEEZ WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!!!  What the hell has he got under his hat?!!  What is that, some kind of a stick stuck in his head?!  Holy crap!!
Proper Usage:  Not so much of a "chat" emoticon, it's really more of a novelty .gif that someone creates for the sole purpose of storing on a website full of novelty .gifs.  I've seen all kinds of these things, usually for game or anime characters, and most of them are very cute and clever.  Not this one, however.  Hell no.  I don't know what that thing is on his head.  Maybe it's supposed to be a mohawk?  But, there is no evidence to suggest that this character has a mohawk underneath his hat, and no sane person would ever manifest such a ridiculous notion in a written language, until me, just now.  I'm sorry, let's just put this all behind us and move on.




Description:  This is either a sad face or an angry face, it's a little hard to tell which.  Red faces usually mean anger, but then again there are tears under those dark, black-hole-like eyes.  I see that the tears merge together underneath the eyes, too, which forms some sort of large uni-tear which starts to ooze slowly down one side of his face.
Proper Usage:  When you're in a state of extreme emotional stress, due to the occurrence of a major tragedy in your life.  In this case, perhaps it's best not to be chatting away on the internet.  For instance, "Some guy just broke into my house and killed my family," could be summed up by this image, but in that case, it's best to just log off the computer altogether and deal with the situation in real life.




Description:  Well, it's obvious what this thing is supposed to be, isn't it?  I hardly need to waste my time describing its physical and chemical properties to you, when it's standing here in plain sight for you to view.  It's certainly a prime example of...  doing what it does.  Alright, I admit it, I don't really know what this thing is.  An igloo, maybe?  Or one of those Zelda guys who steal your stuff when you touch them?  That's reference #2 for those Zelda guys on this website so far (they're called Like-Likes, if anyone wants to know).  I'm detecting a pattern, here.
Proper Usage:  Um... I suppose you could use it as a distraction, to catch someone off-guard for a moment before your sneak up behind them and steal their wallet.




Description:  A floating puffball can't seem to stop whacking itself on the head, and when it does so the impact forces its tongue to stick out, and one eye to close.  Er... well, both eyes were already closed, but one of them gets closed more forcefully, by turning into one of these: <
Proper Usage:  This emoticon is useful for delcaring oneself an "otaku," or "anime nerd."  Also, it may only be used by girls.  Females can't seem to get enough of floating/bouncing, amorphous blobs with cute faces and rosy cheecks.  I'm not sure why this is, but perhaps I should look into becoming one of those blobs some day.




Description:  The lack of quality here is unsurpassed.  I'm assuming this is Julius Caesar trying to flip the bird, but it really just looks like a balding old man beckoning me into a dark alley.  I'd rather not go, if it's all the same to you.
Proper Usage: When you're really angry and want to give someone the finger over the internet, but alas, your computer is an old 486 with only 16 colors, and therefore cannot handle the advanced graphical power to make a picture that looks like what it's supposed to.  I guess this is what chats must have looked like back when computer graphics were first invented, and people were just so frustrated with trying to get their computers to do anything that every conversation quickly ended in obscenities.




Description:  Charlie Brown kissing the hand of a devil with blue horns.  Either that of it's two old people, but I've never known an old lady to have two gigantic coils of blue hair on either side of her head.
Proper Usage:  This emoticon is a living, breathing contradiction -- minus the living and breathing, of course.  I think this would be used when an elderly gentleman is courting a lady via the internet for some reason.  But, therein lies its flaw, for an old person would never use the internet.  They're generally afraid of computers, and believe that any electronic device will steal their soul.




Description:  I really have no idea what the heck is going on.  There are two schools of thought on this emoticon... one claims that it is one of those "No Smoking" type signs, but the banned object inside is obscured too much by the sign itself.  The other theory is that it's a poorly rendered picture of a lady's mouth, filled with all manner of junk and debris.  Either way, I cannot defend it as a believable image of anything at all, and therefore put forth the claim that this is indeed a picture of absolutely nothing.
Proper Usage:  Are you in a political mood, and want to raise a fuss, but don't have anything in particular to rally against?  Paint this "No Something" logo on a large sign and go picket outside the nearest embassy.  "Down with stuff!"  "Ban such-and-such!"  "No more of this!"  It may not achieve any goal, but you may get to be in the newspaper the next day:  Local Nut Rampages Over Nothing.




Description:  We close today's article with the ultimate in crappy, nerd-created Star Wars paraphenalia.  It encompasses the two extremes of obsessive fanboyism and complete lack of effort, all in one crummy package.  Here we see Joe Smiley engaged in a battle with a dark-hooded blob, which I suppose we're meant to see as Darth Vader, only it's missing the definition necessary to make any conclusive judgment.  The two of them go at it with fluorescent baseball bats, jumping around like a couple of monkeys.  Sometimes Dark Blob decides to hurl charred hunks of garbage at Joe Smiley, which he confidently bats away.  And so, the two of them are locked in an eternal struggle that no one should pay any attention to...  except for us, right now.
Proper Usage:  Whenever you want to set off a Star Wars nerd, just send them this little animation -- and prepare to be bombarded by pages upon pages of lectures on its trivial inaccuracies, and how this battle between Darth and Luke never happened like that, etc.  It also serves as a nice substitute for the recently-made prequel trilogy -- if you've never seen Star Wars episodes 1, 2, and 3, just assume that this picture sums everything up nicely, and avoid the films altogether.  You'll be happier for it.



Alright, that's it for tonight, everybody.  I hope you learned something valuable this round.  Now, go on, get outta here!